June 29, 2007

i had a dream about mike. we were married, on a tv show. and we were trying to make out, but my mom was sleeping on the couch. we also walked through a narrow asian street, dancing like we came straight out of a musical. we passed by our teacher and he was like, wtf.

now as fucked up as that is, here's the parallel to my life.

musical & tv show = linna's idealistic, unrealistic take on life. you know roxie from chicago? twisting every moment of her life into a stage act? yeah. that's me.

making out & mom = my mom will always be my responsibility. i'm not saying i mind, or that i see her as a burden. it's just, she will always be up there on my list of priorities. work & taking care of mom. and unfortunately, that leaves little for anything else.

so yeah. here's why i'm anti-social. with a couple of exceptions, i feel like everything else is just polite exchanges.

work is the real shit. where things have a purpose.

it's not even dating. that's always been forced. and the one time i felt like it wasn't, i got dumped twice. it's about relationships in general. social settings. it doesn't feel real enough to me. so i can't reciprocate realness, i can't be genuine. and so then i turn to work.

(or maybe i'm just scared shitless about actually connecting with someone, and having my heart smashed again. but that's all cliched and dumb sounding.)

i don't really know.

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